Heavyhearted~

Salam

No, im not heavyhearted because im going back to college. Im excited actually. A chance to become independent again as this is the time you realize that all your actions would not only affect yourself, but others around you too. For example, the simplest action of not taking out the trash. *im sorry dear housemates :{ *

I just hope that now, the people in my 'Priority List' are the right people.
It feels sad sometimes thinking of the fact that i keep on falling down the same hole of the same road.
I know that deep pit existed there, i know how deep down it goes. I know of the feeling of trying to climb back up again. The loneliness, the burden, the things i would have to face. There are times i wish i could just stay down there.

A Sufi's life is a life fully dedicated to Allah. (Correct me if im wrong)
I know the very fact that you would have to always face everything alone in this life, and in the afterlife.
I know the very fact that you are carrying your own sins, not others, and you cant carry other people's sins, even the ones you love and treasure...
which makes me think sometimes...

I wish i could be a Sufi. That.. is not entirely possible.
I have commitments... as a daughter, as a student, as a friend, as an observer.
These are the very reasons that kept me moving on, and not only think of myself. How nice is it would you think to be able to be given the chance to remember Allah all the time. That would be very sweet (:

A dear friend once told me "Orang yang berilmu dan beramal lagi tinggi dari orang yang beramal sahaja."

SubhanAllah. I wish i could be a part of that, but im not. I know i am.

If I were.. (put stress on the IF word)

IF I were to not do the job that I am suppose to do, then would i be considered as selfish? because i would only think of myself?

Astaghfirullah

Now, this is what I understand (again, correct me if i am wrong)

I am to aspire the people around me to turn towards Him, including myself. I am willing to accept this with an open heart as i do not see this as a burden.
I am to do this though, within my own limitations.  

Limitations. 

Something that you wont realize until you TRY.

InsyaAllah. I will try.